I should be in awe of all I've been able to accomplish and stay on top of this semester with all my health problems, instead I feel guilty for being sick and disappointed in myself for not doing more even THOUGH I'm doing the best I can with shit health and 0 mana. 🤔🤔🤔
I realized that the subconscious reason I'm pouring so much energy into my on campus organizing this semester is bc I feel like I'm not doing well in class bc of how sick I've been, so I'm trying to make up for it by doing things on campus, as if that translates to better grades or empathy. 🙃
Like "If I work harder on the things I can do on instinct maybe I will be less disappointing" but I'm still disappointing myself and it's bc I have impossible standards for myself.... And also bc the moment I stop moving, I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and depression about my own mortality.
So it's trying to keep me out of the death spiral even though this is also impacting my health.
If my brain and my body could just need the same thing instead of opposite things for a hot second it would be so much easier.