Like "If I work harder on the things I can do on instinct maybe I will be less disappointing" but I'm still disappointing myself and it's bc I have impossible standards for myself.... And also bc the moment I stop moving, I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and depression about my own mortality.
So it's trying to keep me out of the death spiral even though this is also impacting my health.
If my brain and my body could just need the same thing instead of opposite things for a hot second it would be so much easier.
And probably make more tea bc this cold is still kicking my ass