LITERALLY ME, 3 PARAGRAPHS LATER. Fuck
@UffTaTa oh yeah also that
In the end this feeling nearly kills me and i needet to get mid 30's to free me of this feeling.
The deep knowledge of my missbeing and worthlessness....
The endless bashing and slamming of me to myself...
What a fuck.
It+s terrible what can happen to a child, even in the case your parents just want to do the best they can.
Remember: NEVER say "ass*le" to yourself. It has a much to much consequences.
@bluepupboi my parents beat the life out of me, and then when i cried, beat me some more, because how dare i cry
slowly, the "when" became an "if", and eventually i lost the ability to cry altogether, but that wasn't enough: every (emotional) reaction of mine was wrong and punished, so i shielded myself from all of my emotions so i wouldn't hurt, and the only emotions that i eventually had were anger, and confusion
@meena 💙💙💙💙💙 yeppppp I also cannot cry
@meena I'm LEARNING but it's a hard slow process
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An exercise in feeling
Here is an exercise to help you enhance your ability to feel and grieve through pain. Visualize yourself as time-traveling back to a place in the past when you felt especially abandoned. [highlighted] See your adult self taking your abandoned child onto your lap and comforting her in various painful emotional states or situations. You can comfort her verbally: "I feel such sorrow that you were so abandoned and that you felt so alone so much of the time. I love you even more when you are stuck in this abandonment pain – especially because you had to endure it for so long with no one to comfort you. That shouldn’t have happened to you. It shouldn’t happen to any child. Let me comfort and hold you. You don’t have to rush to get over it. It is not your fault. You didn’t cause it and you’re not to blame. You don’t have to do anything. Let me just hold you. Take you’re time. I love you always and care about you no matter what." [end highlight]
I highly recommend practicing this even if it feels inauthentic, and even if it requires a great deal of fending off your critic. Keep practicing and [...]
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[...] and crying can short-circuit fear from morphing into the flashback-triggering cognitions of the critic. I have seen grieving bring the critic’s devastating programs of drasticizing and catastrophizing to a screeching halt on thousands of occasions.
It appears to me that children are wired to release fear through angering and crying. The newborn baby, mourning the death of living safely and fully contained inside the mother, utters the first of many angry cries not only to call for nurturance and [highlighted] attention, but also to release her fear. In the dysfunctional family however, the traumatizing parent soon punishes the child for emoting. The child becomes afraid and ashamed of her own tears and anger. Tears get shut off and anger gets trapped inside and is eventually turned against the self as self-attack, self-hate, self-disgust, and self-rejection. Self-hate is the most grievous reenactment of parental abandonment. [end highlight]
Over time, anger also becomes fuel for the critic and actually exacerbates fear by creating an increasingly dangerous internal environment. Anything the [...]
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[...] the grieving journey described below come to know unquestionably that the core of their soul ache and psychological suffering is in the unworked through losses of growing up with abandoning parents. These losses must be grieved until the individual really get that her parents were not her allies. She needs to grieve until she stops blaming herself for their abuse and/or neglect…until she fully realizes that their execrable parenting caused her posttraumatic stress. [highlighted] She needs to grieve until she understands how her learned habit of automatic self-abandonment is a reenactment of their abject failure to be there for her. [end highlighted]
Mourning these awful realities can then empower her efforts to develop a multidimensional practice of self-care. As she grieves more efficaciously, her capacity for self-compassion and self-protection grows, and her psyche becomes increasingly user friendly.