the earache has turned into vigilantly warding off a migraine which I guess is an improvement but also means I shouldn't go to the film screening at OMCA tonight :(

It was beautiful and now I'm sad and just wanna cry bc I had to give up

I feel like I need to apologize for dropping but I know I don't

At the ballet recital that I wanted to be performing in, wishing my back would stop hurting but excited to see my friends 😍😭

Health/depression Show more

health (😭) Show more

health >.> Show more

Staying home from classed and work so I don't make myself worse and can give speeches on Wednesday, but I did manage to write a bunch of emails I've been needing to get to.

Health (😭) Show more

And probably make more tea bc this cold is still kicking my ass

This is why instead of trying to start a presentation I'm behind on, I'm going to play destiny and just stress about the presentation I'm behind on.

Like "If I work harder on the things I can do on instinct maybe I will be less disappointing" but I'm still disappointing myself and it's bc I have impossible standards for myself.... And also bc the moment I stop moving, I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and depression about my own mortality.

So it's trying to keep me out of the death spiral even though this is also impacting my health.

If my brain and my body could just need the same thing instead of opposite things for a hot second it would be so much easier.

I realized that the subconscious reason I'm pouring so much energy into my on campus organizing this semester is bc I feel like I'm not doing well in class bc of how sick I've been, so I'm trying to make up for it by doing things on campus, as if that translates to better grades or empathy. πŸ™ƒ

I should be in awe of all I've been able to accomplish and stay on top of this semester with all my health problems, instead I feel guilty for being sick and disappointed in myself for not doing more even THOUGH I'm doing the best I can with shit health and 0 mana.

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